The Alluring Darkness

As I lay in my bed in the dark, it occurs to me, “I should not have had that last cup of water.” I swing my legs to the side of the bed and prepare for the trek. Why I don’t turn on the light, is beyond me. Maybe it is my own masculine nature believing I can do things on my own and don’t need assistance. Maybe I’m lazy. Relying on memory and senses are futile when it comes to navigating through the dark. Sure you can get through now and then, but eventually your luck runs out. Smh Boy did I curse like a sailor. As I walked off the pain this thought circled my head, “How can we, mere humans, decide to proceed through the darkness constantly on our own will and strength instead of trusting God”

My friend shared this in her newsletter last month:

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” — Isaiah 42:16

I love this verse yall! To know Our Heavenly Father leads the blind and doesn’t forsake them is most assuring. Now sure some could protest, “If he is guiding you, shoot, why doesn’t he just guide you around the heartache, lesson, or disappointment?” Umm, how else would you learn dependence and reliance on Him if he steps in EVERY single time? Don’t be selfish. Actions have consequences. Even at times when I was blinded by the darkness he had his hand upon me.

  As I write this a thought comes to mind: “Now hold on, you can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy those years of drinking and smoking your brains out.” Just because you become a Christ follower doesn’t mean the old self disappears. Following God doesn’t hit the reset button on your past, but He leads you out of the darkness.

Bowl after bowl after bowl I use to do.

Alone in my room or chilling in my truck, thinking nobody knew.

Drinking til it got blurry, the next day blew.

But hey, I’m more shocked the Lord came through.

  In New York watching Wicked, of all places, I was hit in the face by God’s voice. He spoke to me through the dialogue of the wizard and the wicked witch of west. The wizard asks the witch, “Aren’t you tired of running? Have you realize you don’t have to be on your own? You been running on your own strength. It’s time to trust and let go…” Deep huh? I was thrown off. I will admit this, I never felt complete with the life I lived, but I sure felt the pull to stay in it. And who wouldn’t! Alcohol to “numb” the pain or give you the confidence. Drugs to keep you envisioning but idle in action. I mean a job that gave me money but is soooo boring and draining I turned to drugs, alcohol, or whatever you ladies do, shopping therapy, to rationalize it. This needs to stop! Unfortunately, if you want out of the darkness the solution isn’t: “Okay. Done. I’m stopping this. No more” Please! How many times have you tried to cut something to find yourself that afternoon or a day later doing the EXACT same thing? We are mere humans yall! We need an external being, power source if I may say, to step in and break the chains. Now, do we need to make the choice to stop? Ofcourse! But on our own strength, we are just spinning the tires with no traction, or better yet, out of the hole and into another one.

As great and safe as the darkness appears, in the end, it doesn’t fill the void. We need light to penetrate the fears and hurts we hide behind. That light is Jesus.

When Jesus spoke to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” — John 8:12

  My reader, my prayers go out to you for your situation. If you are trying to cut that addiction, fill that void, get over that girl or guy, basically want to escape the darkness that surrounds your life…try the light of Jesus. It worked out for me and it can work out for you. What do you have to lose? 

until next time home slice,


One thought on “The Alluring Darkness

  1. Nickolai,

    Loved your letter and your blog!!! Excellent! You did a great job sharing your heart and ministry. It really touched my heart.

    The Board will be having a special Pr@yer Meeting for CIC Team very soon. I will use your letter and blog for specific things to pr@y for. (O K?)

    If you can think of any others, please send ASAP.
    Love in CH,

    Mary t.

    P. S. Your many hours of labor on the books have paid off. Everything looks so grand and the extra room is now free to be used as a bedroom again. Thank you for all you did, Nickolai, in helping me complete that “head-ache” project!


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