(This post was written over 3 different days)

It’s crazy how I can be on cloud nine high on God’s presence one day, the afraid to spend a few hours with him alone. I discovered a sad truth this past evening: I’m afraid of being alone with Him. I successfully kept busy today– watching movies, cooking, cleaning… basically ignoring the call to be alone with Him. Why you may ask? Shoot, why do we all dodge Him?

Do you ever feel like you live two different lives? One that you project to your coworkers, friends, and the world; the other internal personality you keep hidden, your true self, afraid of being judged or accepted by those around you. Sadly we all do it. It’s okay. Why we do it? Beats me. Maybe it has to do with a deeply rooted fear of rejection or the need for love/approval. Unfortunately, many, like me, will look to others for validation and try to use flawed humans to quench our own needs. How’s that working for ya? Have you learn that people kinda suck and will fail ya expectations? It will come if it hasn’t. 

What’s the point of my anti-hallmark vibes? I dodged the alone time with the Heavenly Father because to expose that hidden self where the mask is ripped off is scary. He already knows that hidden self. Ha! He created you. We keep running to people, things, or evil deeds to keep us busy, but at the end of the day we only have Him. You can run your life, but I know when the noise dies down and cyber stalking gets repetitive, you have to face the dreaded silence. The real thing we want is to be known, loved, and secure. Sure you can look at your friend circle or buzzfeed and think ‘if I was like her/him and had him/her, I be complete’ or ‘if I could just get that job then I’ll never have to worry.’ We are kidding ourselves if we think we have reached the end of the rainbow once we achieve these temporal desires.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. — Psalms 34:4-6

(Psalm 34 by Shane & Shane, thank me later) I constantly feel relief when I reflect on where I’m at now compared to two years ago. Small things reminds me of my past foolishness. Today we were talking about looper. The connection: one of my pieces was named the rainmaker. 

I can tell you over and over how God designed us to abide, worship, know Him intimately so that we live a life where we simply feel alive. And it’s all talk if you never experience it, but if you want it it’s free. God wants you. He wants to know, heal, and lead you. All you have to do is face the silence and loneliness; ask for him to come into your life. Believe what Jesus– born of the Spirit, lived a perfect, sinless life we can’t live, was crucified for our sins to pay the price we can’t pay. At the cross, all the evil you have committed, commit, and will commit is nailed, and His action allows us to be righteousness in the eyes of the Father. He died and three days later was raised, and now in Heaven. He waits for the hour to return when all people on this earth have been given a chance to hear His good, saving News.

It’s funny how I have to constantly remind myself of the aforementioned truth. I learned a lot last spring in Perspectives (Radical class! Take it if you serious about following God). You will learn so much more about Him! I learned we have two dates in our life that we have zero control over– The day we are born and the day we die. The dash between those dates is all on us. The past couple days have showed me I’m a work in progress. I know now that if I make a difference in someone’s life, it surely ain’t my doing.

Experience is the mother of illusion – C.S. Lewis

I was, and still am, somewhat in love with the experiences I can have in this life. I want that dash of mine to be one hell of a ride here on earth so that spending eternity with God will be much sweeter. Forgive me on my vain rants, but there are times when I can’t express what I feel. This journey I find myself on is the greatest thing I could ever have chased after. God is not some being or person one can take likely in their life. Saying you are a Christian ain’t just another description you add to a resume. It is life changing. His love and being gives life to our dead bodies to give us power to overcome that temptation or sin that the world tells you is normal. The lies in your head are wrong. You are powerful because accepting Christ means you now a child of God, and that means all of hell and spirits submit to His spirit inside of you. Do not fear. We are not to be trifled with because our God does not give us a spirit of fear.

My boy Steve gave me great advice when I was having anxiety before heading to China, “Nikolai, our call is to make disciples wherever we are. Make disciples in China until He says go back to the states or somewhere else.”

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age”–Matthew 28:20

 2015 was incredible and I know 2016 will be even more amazing. What are you waiting for? Go make disciples!


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