“How strange, I thought, our eyes are set in front of our head and we can see only one image, whatever is in front of us. The whale’s eyes are set on both sides of its head so that it can see two different images – one on each side of its head. But people see things only one way – their way. If we could see two images instead of one then perhaps we could see two sides to everything”
I open with Ishmael’s words from that classic book, Moby Dick. I like to keep things fresh and now that I’m twenty-four I developed this craving for knowledge. Oh, if I could go back and inform my younger self to dig deeper into English and those books we were force to read how I could have realigned my priorities, but sadly, that is life. I’m grateful for C.S. Lewis words because he states my desires and intention so profoundly: “We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.” Like Lewis I can’t keep on neglecting the books of the old for silly tv shows, social media feeds, or ugghh busyness. What gets me is all those people who could make small steps to progress; yet, seem to merely step off their chosen “distracting hamster wheel” in exchange for another “distracting hamster wheel” or even fearfully returning to the prior. Why is this? FEAR. Oh yes that mother—
Now if you allow me a moment I must rant. ANGER. People respond to anger in different ways I am along the lines of exploding whether that be in my imagination going dark and twisted or simply letting the tongue loose like I’m a fellow sailor out hunting for Moby Dick. Whatever the case is it’s there. The worst part is the smallest thing sets it off. I read an email, ‘Oh that’s you helping me?’ *explosion*. ‘It’s normal.’ – ‘why as long as you keep compose.’ could be great counter arguments to help me feel good but let’s face it I’m doing more harm. Now I can Christianese it all up, state a scripture verse here and say, “Well the Bible says…” but I’m not kidding anyone. At the end of the day I’m angry. Angry at this job which involves the people, the country, support, you name it – to hell with them.
Aghh. Yes, the Nikolai we all been waiting for, his true colors set on display. Well F, I say Thank God! People that put the Christian face because they worry about what others say, dude, girl, why? What good does that do? I mean at the end of the day if your group of Christians judge you for the sin in your life, the last time I checked we ALL sinners. Not one dam person is outside of the Fall and no matter the years of their walking allows them to have the uppity air that they can pass judgement on what you struggle with. Be honest and vulnerable. They pull the judging shit, challenge their pretentious a** and need be surround yourselves with Christians who will hold you accountable, as well, not pass judgement.
If I’m honest my Anger ties in with my Fear. Furthermore, last time I checked I am a man. As a man I have this goal for financial security. Well that’s just one of MANY goals. This goal of financial security just doesn’t pertain to me, myself, and I. I think about future expenses: marriage, kids, retirement, providing for my mom, a house, savings, etc…
“All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend this end. The cause of going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even those who hang themselves [or contemplate suicide].”
That’s right Blaise Pascal has alluded to something burning deep inside. Happiness. In my mind’s logic attaining this set goal of financial security will ultimately lead to happiness. How uncomplex and interconnected are man’s actions to happiness. Here let me enlighten the path: I want happiness. A string connected to that is financial security. Financial security for my job is raising support. Well if you are familiar with this process of raising support, oh, yes, you can see how this is about to escalate. Support for those that know is how a worker for security reasons can’t disclose so click here lives overseas. Now there is all biblical reasons why support is the chosen method. For the topic at hand I will save my supportive reasons for another post where I can expand on them. Anywho, support, shortly put, can be stated – getting the involvement of God’s monetary resources to do His will. I am the hands, feet, and loud mouth surrender to His calling and purpose.
Well not everybody sees support through a biblical lens. Some give and others don’t both attended with their different views. Regardless, I, the worker, must carry on. Money doesn’t come in this month maybe a new card and not updated on the online draft. Fear hits. ‘Is it a card issue’? – ‘Did they change their view?’ Welcome to my world. Enter Anger. ‘Ugh! They promised to my face!!’ – ‘Oh, ofcourse this month we got to pay for this training!’
Fear percolates it’s ugly head which then Anger is quick to pay a visit and overstays its welcome. All can be traced because my soul is afraid of the circumstance I will not ultimately achieve my happiness. Now I did it with financial security, but I can do it with acceptance or love or whatever pisses me the hell off that day. Sadly, I can’t leave ya on just my restating wise words from dead people and my ramblings. What’s the point? Like I’m somebody that has merit to offer any advice.
“But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God and the everlasting King. At his wrath the earth quakes, and the nations cannot endure his indignation…It is he who made the earth by his power, who established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding stretched out the heavens…Not like these is He who is the portion of Jacob, for He is the one who formed all things, and Israel is the tribe of his inheritance; the Lord of hosts is his name.” — Jeremiah 10:10, 12; 16
Sheet, and I thought my anger could amount to something. Let be declared I and those that follow the Lord of Host have nothing to fear. Let us work at not striving after happiness rather strive after ‘to live is Christ and to die is gain’ (Phil. 1:21)